Career Or Family. Do I Really Have To Choose?
Ever since the Spice Girls inspired the girl-power movement, women around the world have been beating to the drum of “we can have it all”.
A successful career, loving partner, and a family to come home to are the aspirations of this certain breed of driven, empowered women, but in the fight for gender equality, have we shot ourselves in the foot by trying to be everything to everyone?
Can we really have it both ways?
I believe the answer is Yes, but some things will need to give a little.
When we take a closer look at some of the most prominent female success stories of our time, we see the idealistic picture of career milestones perfectly balanced with child rearing and so we tell ourselves that “if they can do it, why can’t we?”
These women seem to have it all worked out, curating the perfect life without a nail out of place or rehab retreat in sight… but are we really seeing the entire picture or just the instagram one?
I would bet they have a lot of help on both sides - personal assistants, nannies, supportive partners; but at the same time, something needed to give.
A matter of priorities.
The trouble us women have is that we are masters of the multi-task and we spend our days cramming career, housework, motherhood and social life into 24 hours, all the while expecting our mental health to remain in check.
You are ONE person and whilst I’m still waiting for the day where I can clone myself to become an even greater force, the reality is we must learn to prioritise where our time is spent, and how. And then we need to be clear on Why we are allocating these priorities in the first place.
You literally cannot do it all - well.
The overarching question you need to be asking yourself is -
where is my focus and why?
Do we make the time to see our little girl play at her friend’s birthday party or should we be using this opportunity to close that next deal because that is what is going to help put her through uni?
It’s these decisions that career women face everyday and they’re never easy because we want both to be true.
And then there’s the personal fulfilment factor.
Having a family is important to most women but so is forging a successful career. Whilst family is a shared experience, your career is something that is personal to You, and hence feeds into your self-esteem and self-worth as a woman.
Yes, it’s perfectly okay to be selfish and want things for yourself!
The never-ending curse of mummy guilt.
Truth is, when you’re making bank in your career, the money goes a long way to fill the gaps of motherhood and this is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. Whilst your mother in law may be the cheaper babysitting option, now you can afford that full-time nanny who can help with your juggling act.
But what about little Jimmy who cares for none of this career crap and just wants to be with his mum?
Money might buy you help, but it’s the guilt that gets you - forcing you back into that question of - my career or my kids?
And seemingly, this guilt applies exclusively to us ladies.
Men get off scot-free in this department, and so, we go about our days carrying this huge emotional weight that no-one really understands, least of all our husbands.
As a woman who never felt the need to have children, you’re probably questioning my credibility to discuss such a topic but I reassure you that over the years, my curious mind has intimately “interviewed” many a career woman to discuss and deep-dive into this very topic.
It has always fascinated me to watch women in this balancing act as it’s something I will probably never experience myself.
The single common denominator in each of these conversations has been the discussion around Mummy Guilt and how it really is a thing that haunts driven women building a name for themselves in the corporate world.
Many of my close friends are both successful business women and mums, and I take my hat off to them.
Two have raised their sons minus a supportive partner in tow and to their absolute credit are now enjoying the perks of family life and career success. It hasn’t been a walk in the park for these women, but they’ve done it and are living proof that you can have both.
Now that we are living in an era where the traditional gender roles are blurred and more husbands are happily staying home to look after the kids, married women have been afforded the unencumbered luxury of continuing to build their careers.
But the fact is, mummy guilt continues to linger even with the support of a partner.
It is this conundrum that women must face when choosing to prioritise their career or their families.
A possible solution.
I believe you can have it all, but you have to be prepared to make sacrifices along the way. Whether you are single or partnered, it’s a matter of being realistic in your pursuit of what you really want for your life and consciously learning to accept the feelings that come with your decision making.
If guilt is playing a part, learn to accept this is natural and normal for a mother. Let these feelings wash over you in that moment and learn to move forward knowing there is a bigger picture at play.
Perhaps you are setting up a nest-egg for your children and your role as the matriarch of the family is crucial to fulfilling this legacy. Maybe you’re doing the career thing to prove something to yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
I have a niece and nephew whom I have fondly watched grow into young adults and whilst my focus has always been on my career, I made a conscious decision to be there for their key milestone events like graduations, birthday parties and important family gatherings. And whilst I understand that having your own children is an entirely different experience to playing part-time aunt, the takeaway I’m hoping to leave you with is that it’s a matter of priorities.
Work out what parts you don’t want to miss in your children’s lives and focus on being there for these.
There is no right or wrong way, but I believe the key to having it all is:
embracing balance,
learning to manage your own expectations,
accepting the feelings that arise from the decisions you make, and;
being prepared to commit to a path that fills your own cup and serves a higher purpose for you and your family.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Wendy Russell writes about the realities of a career in real estate. She is a self-made woman and Independent Buyer’s Advocate based in Brisbane Australia, representing busy professionals in luxury home purchases.
